This is the time of year I generally begin to reflect on the year that is closing. I take along hard look at the good and the bad to see where my improvements for the upcoming year need to be made. This is my time to really dig into myself and take a look at the big picture. It has been a really good year for me. Considering all that occurred last year, this was really my year to shine and I did just that.

I downsized my living space at the beginning of the year. This was a tough but necessary step. And at that point the only way to stay in the area which I had to do since I need the court’s permission to leave with my daughter if her father does not agree. We spent most of the beginning of the year tied up in court with that.

Yet, instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to move forward with my life as best as I could. I purchased a new laptop (my ex got custody of the computer in the split up…) and soon after officially launched my company Fanci Ink. My blog Fanci Thoughts soon followed. Before long I had set a deadline for myself with a book I have been trying to write for many years now.  

There have been some issues I have needed to square away for a very long time. It took a lot of courage and soul searching to decide the best route to take, but I did it. There comes a point in life when you say, “I’m tired. It’s time to just own up to the past and do what you have to do.” We can’t change the past but we can start today and create a new future.

After my mother (who turned 75 this year) had her fifth surgery in just a few short months, I knew it was time to return to the place I had worked so hard to get away from and was now fighting so hard to return to. So without permission to take my daughter, I left her with her alcoholic father for two weeks. The trip went well, but not as I expected. I was reminded of all the things I love and hate about the south. Seeing everyone again was great but I wish I had time to see more. The trip gave me the insight for my book; and a new outlook on my decision to return permanently.

The summer here was much warmer and sunnier than it had been in the previous years. With the camera I also purchased at the beginning of the year, I took full advantage of the days and my geographical location. It is almost surreal to know someone will see something as it was seen through your eyes. Many hours were spent on the beach in an attempt to capture the perfect image. What I didn’t know then was what the universe was teaching me.

As summer drew towards an end, I met someone who taught me a little about perspective. Thus enriching my views of the images I created and would create in the future. And when I thought all was right with the world the universe knocked me on my ass.

The thing with the universe is you never know when it is going to remind you who is boss. And so I had to take a few steps back. It took a few weeks, but I managed to regroup, get everything squared away, and make some much needed apologies. Then a few months later, I received an apology. The universe was reopening a door for me. It was now up to me to decide what to do with it.

In September I rejoined the workforce with a great new job. Working with the elderly is one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I am fortunate enough that I stay busy and work around some truly amazing people. This is not a job I take lightly nor that I plan to leave any time in the near future.

My photography managed to take on a life of its own. first it was the Reflection Album addition to my website. A few weeks ago, I launched the first design in a line of postcards/note cards on my website. After viewing  my work for the first time encouraging words from a friend, “Your work should be on display.” It is a new goal in which I have already begun to set in motion.

Lately, I have been in need of some inspiration. There seems to be so little to put on paper yet so much to say. My photography has taken the priority lately as it is just much easier to express myself. And even at times I find it hard to express myself.

Most people just see pictures of the driftwood, logs, waves, sand, or dunes. Not me. I see the story behind them which longs to be told on beautiful paper in harmonizing words. When I close my eyes, I can hear the wind whisper the tale. For now it stays with me.

The photos I take release a bit here and there. Giving a glimpse of what could be, what is to come, and what may never be. Yet I keep the words locked away inside in a deep place where no one will hear them. Can anyone see the truth as they view a simple photo of a stump?  

The holidays are yet again upon us. Bright lights line the streets. Stores are filled with shoppers looking for the perfect sale on the perfect gift. Children are finishing up their wish lists. And then there is me…

I have always fully enjoyed the magic of the holidays. Yet the past several years have tainted me. Now I mostly view it as another reason to spend money. Not that I ever find a lack of reason to do that. When I was a kid it seemed as though anything was possible this time of year. Even as I grew older and blossomed into the awkward early adulthood stage, Christmas still seemed a pretty magical experience. Our families always gathered to large tables of food prepared with love. We set aside differences to please Mother even if for only one day.

After years of disappointments, bad decisions, and wrong turns down the highway of life the luster of the season has faded. I no longer leave change in the buckets of overly chipper bell ringers. My smile is nonexistent as I approach any store between November and January. The to-do list rules my days and wallet.

As much I dislike the holidays, I love the events that tend to occur during them. Last year as my world seemed to be falling apart around me, my friends rallied around. They were all wonderful but one stood out in his efforts by not just being there for me but by including me. He went with me to go Christmas shopping for the kids. We made gingerbread cookies together. And on Christmas day when the kids left and went to their dad’s for the afternoon, he invited me to join his family for dinner.

This year, my life has luckily taken several turns for the better. Yet as I prepare to do my holiday shopping, I realize it doesn’t feel right to do it without him. And I certainly can’t let the season go by without making the cookies. I’m excited that I can give my children the things they want for Christmas. And soon I will start with my annual candy making.

Though I hate that Christmas has become such a commercial holiday and still often feel that it sucks the life out of me, I manage to enjoy the closeness I have with my friends. We don’t always make time for each other during the rest of the year but at Christmas we manage to find a way. Besides having a friend around when I do those tedious tasks makes them seem a little less painful.

Today I am thankful for the vision to see through the gray. Where I live this is an especially important trait. Much of the year is foggy, overcast, and well gray. For six years this has been my home and I only allowed the gray to envelope me. Over the past two years, however, I have learned to see beyond the gray.

This summer has been an especially big year for me. It helps that we’ve had more sunshine than normal. But I’ve noticed that even when we didn’t, I was still able to get out and enjoy the area I live in. Beautiful beaches, tall redwoods, mountains…what’s not to love?

I have been able to use that in my daily life as well. This has been a time when I have had to push forward despite the gray. It has been a matter of survival for both me and my children. It worked quite well. As we have made our way over most of our hurdles keeping our eyes only on the big picture.

Learn to see through the gray and never forget…

When a writer sits at the computer and the words just will not come we call it writer’s block. Something I have dealt with many times as all writers do. Once I even found this cute piece of flair on a site that defined writer’s block as, “when characters get fed up with all you put them through and go on strike”. It’s a perfectly excusable understandable experience for one to go through writer’s block. But what about in life when we just can no longer seem to find the words?

With now two blogs I find it very difficult to do the one thing my mother has said I have never had a problem doing- talking. Essentially that is what a blog is. One is talking on paper about their day or a particular subject. Well, this is rather hard for me to do on a daily basis. Perhaps it is because there is no one to feed off of as with conversation. Or maybe it is more that I am concerned as to how others may interpret what I say. Not that I generally mind what others think but I do generally try not to tick someone off by misinterpretation. (To translate if I want to say something to offend you I try to do so in a way that there is NO question what so ever.)

Not long ago I sent emails to a couple of people I had not heard from in quite some time. Why email and not just pick up the phone and call? Because the words just won’t come. Sometimes there are times when opening ones mouth and uttering simple words to another human being can be nearly impossible.

Why is communication easier when we don’t actually have to involve another person?

Finding old friends on social networks such as facebook is one of the more amazing things about today’s technology. However, opening the door to ones past can be a tricky experience. I spent years running from my past. Welcoming it back into my life with open arms hardly gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. Yet, I have reached a point where facing  the past has become a quest I now must accomplish so I stand firm as I open that rusty well hidden door.

What I find once the door is opened only time will tell. But the door is beginning to open now and as scary as it is, it also thrills me. Spending fifteen years running from my past caused me to spend fifteen years running from the very people who helped me survive it.

It feels really odd to me to be writing when things are going so well. I have had journals my whole life and I mostly used them to vent and complain about any and everything. But the truth is I really don’t have anything to complain about lately. And that makes me very happy.

I have noticed a significant change as well. Even when I am not having a perfect day, I can often find peace. Why? Perhaps it is the whole philosophy I have taken on. The universe does not make mistakes. It puts me at peace to look back on very chaotic times in my life when I thought my life would be over from horrible events. Now I can see the eternally wonderful things that have happened as a result.

The universe supplies us with the tools I need to find inner peace and eternal happiness. It is up to us to use those tools or ignore them. I have spent two years learning to use them. Though I still question myself and likely will not always get it right, I know the universe guides me and therefore I shall find my path.

Some months ago my best friend told me I should get a grown-up phone. Turns out she was tired of the spotty service, lack of minutes, and other features my pay-as-you-go service provided. This service was something I was very happy with. Yet, I knew she was right. I am in my thirties, it was time to grow up and make a standing commitment…Ugh.

Within a few weeks, I signed a two year contract with one of the nation’s largest cell phone carriers. Mostly because my family makes up a large percentage of their customers already thus providing us free access to call each other. (It seemed like a good idea at the time.)My new phone had great minutes, unlimited texting, and did lots of really cool things. But that two year contract made my head spin. Commit-a-phobes don’t handle contracts well.

Fast forward six months or so:

True to my commitment fearing ways, my car is paid for. Yet it has a few issues. So in my mind there are two options, fix it or pay cash for another one. Only my cash funds aren’t screaming dependable ride and the car I have would require more work than it is worth. The commit-a-phobe must now venture into a car lot!!!!

The first trip I backed out of the pending deal. Why? I just couldn’t bring myself to spend that much money every month on a car with no air conditioning. Or at least that was my excuse at the time. I was trying to be practical and stay within budget.

On the second trip, I managed to stay close to budget but by this time I had no choice. I had to have a car or I was going to pray my car made it home without running hot first. It was not a good day. I found a car I liked at a price I was okay with. Against everything I have ever been taught about buying cars I did not even pop the hood first. Why? Fear. I knew I need to buy that car regardless. There wasn’t anything else there I could afford. My car likely wouldn’t make it home as the battery light had been on for three days. So, without a bit of excitement, I signed the papers. The commit-a-phobe had just signed a three and a half year contract.

And now I sit thinking about it and wonder what have I done? I do not like to have ties to anywhere. At least with the phone the contract travels. But this car is through a local lender. It’s like I just set down a three and half year deep root in a place I want to leave as soon as possible. The thought alone makes me want to lose my lunch.